Every brick, wood and furniture in the room is laughing at me, baring its 32 teeth! Should it laugh or not? Rafiqul has turned me into a laughing stock for the whole world today! Today, these dumb things are laughing, they are laughing. But tomorrow, when I go out into the street, will all the people just laugh and laugh, or will they torment my wounded, dying heart with words? Then how will I handle myself? Will I stand up to them all, will I answer with broken teeth on my face or will I fall face down in the dust of the road, bleeding from the blows of their words? I can’t think of anything else. How can I think, I am not in a situation to think anything. The whole world seems meaningless to me today!
I have never knowingly harmed anyone till date. But why did this have to happen to me! I did not force myself to love Rafiqul, rather he tried to impress me in various ways. He took advantage of my simplicity and fascination. He used me for his own interests and left me like a selfish person. There was no lack of love in me, so for some mistake he left me alone like this today! What was my crime? People cry and cry for dead people. The inside of their chest becomes lighter. Slowly the illusion decreases. People can overcome the grief of losing that person in a while. But the grief of losing a living person breathing the same air under the same sky on the same earth cannot be overcome until death. I do not know for what sin Allah punished me to carry the grief of such a living person.
Brother got angry with mother and left home with Bhabhi and two daughters before finishing the vacation. He thought that I had become so arrogant because of my mother’s scolding. If I had been careful and loved Rafiqul, then the dignity of our house would not have been put on the line in front of the entire village. Brother had said before leaving that he would not set foot in this house again until I got married. Mother cried a lot to keep Brother in the house but it did not work. He is a man of one word and proves it with his actions. So he will never leave this house again until my marriage is fixed.
Brother is the only son in our house. Not only my parents but the whole family values Brother’s words. And I am sure that this time the whole house will rise up and get me married.
But will it be possible for me to trust a man a second time? When a boy like Rafiqul has betrayed me like this, there is no question of trusting any other man in this life. And where there is no trust, a relationship is completely worthless.
So, trusting no one and becoming his wife just to maintain the formality is like burning in the pyre for the rest of your life and hoping to get heaven one day. I can’t do that, I can’t do anything.
I closed all the doors and windows of the house and lay alone in the darkness. My mother tried so hard to feed me at night, but today no food will go down my throat. If I put something in my mouth, I will feel like I am drinking poison. But I don’t want to die. I want to live on this earth for many more days. I want to see how diverse and cruel the people of the world can be. Sometimes I feel very angry at myself, sometimes I feel very hateful. Am I so worthless that you can leave me without any reason? I want to stand in front of Rafiqul and ask him in front of the whole world what was wrong with me, why did you leave me, leaving me so helpless?
I entered the house and did not leave the house. Because it is not possible for me to face so many people alone without Rafiqul. I want to hide myself from the light and air of the world, if only I can escape the shame a little. I have not been to school for several days now. You can say that I am not in a condition to go. Mother wants me to go to school again and mix with the children. Only then can I be normal quickly. But I no longer have the courage to breathe in the open air and revive myself in the warm rays of the sun! These four walls are now my biggest refuge. Although they once laughed at me, they are now the only companions to share my sorrows and pains! Now they do not laugh at me anymore, on the contrary, they cry and cry, unable to bear my suffering. They cry and cry, asking what was wrong with love, what was wrong with faith? Why does this happen only with true love?
I console them, explaining little by little. At my words, they forget their anger, resentment, and sadness and dream of a new day. I often talk to bricks and other furniture. They are my only friends now! However, my mother does not want to believe this. She thinks that bricks can never talk. I have tried to explain it to my mother many times, but my mother does not want to understand at all. Finally, one day my mother took me to a psychiatrist.
She is in the same situation, she is also reluctant to accept that bricks can talk. Trying to explain it to my mother and the doctor makes me feel like I am really going crazy!
Mother forced me to go to my office and get a one-month medical leave. I still don’t leave the house anywhere. But sometimes my mother takes me to that crazy person who doesn’t even know how to speak. Is he a doctor again!
Mother and the doctor started doing various exercises to cure me. The doctor said that if I take me around different natural environments, then my mind will calm down and I will recover quickly. I would get very scared when I saw familiar people. I just thought that if they asked me why Rafiqul left me, what would I answer because the answer was unknown to me. That’s why I never wanted to meet any familiar people. However, whenever I leave the house, only familiar people! Hence my voluntary exile today.
Mother sometimes started taking me to different far-off places. But I don’t like it at all. Whenever I go somewhere, I see only Rafiqul and Rafiqul around me! But everyone else is there with Rafiqul except me. Sometimes Sumi, sometimes Nadia, sometimes Priya, sometimes Jasmine. I find Rafiqul with someone one by one. But the strange thing is that whenever I catch Rafiqul with some girl, he says, “Who are you?” I don’t recognize you! I was even more surprised when I saw that even my mother started to distrust me. I myself see Rafiqul walking around in front of my eyes with another girl, and then my mother says, “Is it Rafiqul or someone else?” I don’t like my mother’s suspicious behavior anymore. Why is she doing this to me? Nothing comes to my mind anymore! Whenever I see Rafiqul with another girl, my mother takes me away from there. I don’t even bother to ask her why she left me, what was my crime? But I never get that chance for my mother! My own mother doesn’t even want to understand me, what could be more painful for me?
Now my mother doesn’t even take me anywhere. Even when I go for a walk, I would occasionally catch a glimpse of Rafiqul. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen her. My eyes are very restless just to see Rafiqul. Why doesn’t my own mother understand my pain? Why doesn’t my mother take me for a walk anymore? Nothing comes to my mind!
Nowadays, when I feel so much for Rafiqul, his face slowly becomes clear in front of my eyes in the darkness. I scream and tell him why did you do this to me? Why did you leave me alone? He doesn’t answer, he just shows all his teeth and bursts into a loud laugh! That laugh is so scary!
The end is beautiful. Moving on.
