I will be hanged in a little while. I will be hanged at one minute at midnight! I don’t have much time! An imam has come and recited the Kalima. Before that, I took a bath with soap. Probably Lily soap, my favorite soap. What a beautiful scent of the lily flower in the soap!
When I was a child, my father used to bring soap during Eid. I used to take a bath with the newly wrapped Lily soap in the river next to our house. After taking a bath, I would go to offer Eid prayers. Since then, I have liked all these things very much. Today, they are giving me my favorite things. This district is a very good person!
After taking a bath, I sat on a new prayer mat and prayed two rakats of prayer. I also recited a Surah. Today is my last day on this earth. I will not see the sunrise tomorrow!
My favorite food is rice bread and roasted liver. I don’t know how I feel after eating it! It doesn’t taste like that! I ate it for the last time in my life. Today, the district tried to give me all my favorite things. He kept asking, “Do you want to eat anything else?” Of course, I didn’t want to eat anything. The jailer wanted to know with such tenderness, so I said yes.
I first understood about the hanging fifteen days ago when my cellmate Jalil was taken to a separate cell, I was kept alone! I knew that the death sentence had been passed. Even though I had the opportunity to appeal or beg for my life, I didn’t take it. I was waiting for such a day!
Moreover, there is a smell of death. It is impossible to describe it. It is as if the body understands that the day has ended. Since then, they have been treating me very well.
Yesterday, my relatives came to visit me. I was not willing to meet them. What will happen to those whom I have never seen until now at the time of death? I agreed to the jailer’s request. My uncle, aunt and little uncle came. They allowed us to see them in a small room. Aunt brought food in a huge tiffin box! Uncle repeatedly requested me to eat. I didn’t want to eat! After much begging, I asked her to leave it and eat it later.
Aunty didn’t want to leave her beautiful tiffin box. After I die, this box won’t be found. I don’t know if they will take my body or not.
No, the food wasn’t eaten. I gave the food to Jalil and told him to deliver the tiffin box to Aunty.
Even though all of them had tears in their eyes, I didn’t feel any pain. I didn’t like being with them. The meeting time was given for two hours, but if I wanted, it could have been extended. I finished the meeting in half an hour.
The district magistrate wanted to know if I wanted to see anyone else? I couldn’t find anything to say. My two favorite people were my father and mother. I don’t remember my father’s face, it’s blurry. He died when I was very young. I still remember my mother’s face.
My father was a government employee with a three-room house surrounded by walls and a little land. Still, our family was a happy one. My father and mother were a golden family. My mother was a fiery beauty! My father should not have had the strength to marry such a girl. My parents married out of love, so everyone in the family never had any relationship with my mother. My grandparents died a long time ago. My younger uncle finished his studies and got a good job and no longer contacted us. However, my father paid for his studies.
On the way back from the office, my father died in a road accident! After my father died, my mother was in great danger. The family’s income stopped. Another great danger was the mother!
My mother took a job at the chairman’s uncle’s house after considering all the aspects. Everyone knows Uncle Chairman as a very good person. My mother works at Uncle Chairman’s house all day and comes home in the evening. When she comes home, she brings me food. I was in class six at the time. I still haven’t fully understood many things in life.
Even though my mother returns every evening, she comes back late at night! What kind of cuts are on my mother’s face! Her clothes are torn, her lips are cut. It seems that my mother is very tired. When I get close, she shouts at me to leave. I quickly move away from my mother. I felt so bad. I couldn’t sleep all night. What happened to my mother? Did someone kill my mother? Why did my mother do this to me!
My mother never sleeps without feeding me at night. She didn’t call me even once tonight! I am lying in my room. I didn’t dare to go in front of my mother. I have never seen my mother so angry before. I saw my mother bathing at our tap at night through the window. My mother took a bath for a long time. Then she came to my mother’s room and closed the door. I was crying so much. I can’t say when I fell asleep crying. I woke up very early in the morning. When I woke up and came out, I saw that the sun had not yet risen. The door to my mother’s room was open. I peeked inside and saw that my mother was not at home!
Where had my mother gone so early in the morning! My mother never goes to work this early in the morning. I came out of the house to look for my mother. There was something hanging from the big mango tree on the bank of the pond in front of our house!
I was initially scared when I saw it from a distance. I moved forward with fear, thinking of my mother. Even though it was blurry when I went under the tree, I didn’t have any trouble recognizing it. My mother was hanging from the tree! Her mother’s saree was wrapped around her neck! What a chill went through my chest! I didn’t feel scared at all when I saw my mother!
A few days ago, a girl named Najma died by hanging herself from a tree in their house! Everyone said that the girl would go to hell. The Imam did not lead Najma’s funeral. He said, “The funeral of a girl who is going to hell cannot be led.” No one from the village came to bury her either!
No, my mother is not going to hell. I quickly returned home. I came back with a knife and climbed the tree. I cut my mother’s sari from the tree. My mother fell into the pond with a thud!
I got down from the tree and took the sari from my mother’s neck. I was not afraid to do all this. My only thought was that my mother is not going to hell. No one will know that my mother died hanging herself from a tree.
I wanted to lift my mother from the pond and bring her home, but I couldn’t. My mother was so heavy! I couldn’t pull her up! What a cut scar there was on my mother’s neck! No matter how much I washed her with water, the scar didn’t go away! How big her eyes had become!
When I couldn’t lift my mother up despite trying so hard, I ran to Chairman Uncle’s house. My mother works at Chairman Uncle’s house. Uncle will definitely help me. When I went to Chairman Uncle’s house, I saw that they hadn’t woken up yet. Chairman Uncle came out when I called him.
He rubbed his eyes and said, “What happened, Raihan?” “Why are you screaming so early in the morning!”
“Uncle, my mother!” He was struggling to speak.
“What, what happened to your mother!”
“Uncle, my mother fell into the pond while doing ablution in the morning!” I don’t know how I lied so beautifully!
“Tell me what!”
Chairman Uncle became busy, called his housekeeper, “Hey Kamal, come quickly. Come on, come on.”
Uncle Chairman came with me to the bank of our pond. My mother is lying on one side of the pond. How has my mother become a little fat? Her face has turned blue! Seeing this, Uncle Chairman began to say sadly, “Oh! Oh! How has this happened!”
Kamal Bhai, Uncle Chairman and I brought my mother to our house. Kamal Bhai said, “Hujur, it seems like you died a long time ago!” What is the reason for such a scar on your neck?”
Uncle Chairman scolded, “Shut up.” I saw how the scar on my mother’s neck had turned black!
“Tell everyone, we have to make arrangements for her burial.”
Uncle Chairman called me over and said, “Your mother is dead, father! Don’t be sad, parents don’t live forever!”
No, no one called my mother a hellish person. My mother’s funeral was held. The imam of our big mosque led the funeral. Many people in the village came to my mother’s funeral. My mother was buried next to my father’s grave in front of our house. I understood that all this was done for my uncle. Even though my uncle understood everything, he didn’t tell anyone. I felt a sense of gratitude towards my uncle for this.
After my mother’s death, I became alone. None of my relatives stood by me. Uncle Chairman gave me shelter at his house. I stayed at his house and did odd jobs. My mother died of grief because someone killed her that day! I don’t know who killed her! I didn’t ask anyone because I was afraid! If people found out about my mother’s hanging! My mother would go to hell!
This is how my days went. Now that I have grown up, I understand many things. I am the most trusted person in Uncle Chairman. He takes me to all my errands. He bought me a bike and I ride it around with him. I have a pistol to protect him.
As much as the people of Grama know him well, he is not a good person. He has various second-hand businesses. Most of which I now take care of. He loves me very much. My income is not bad either.
At night, Uncle Chairman called me and said, “Get out your car, I will go out on an errand.” He calls his motorcycle a car. He usually goes out on second-hand business at night, which the common people don’t know. What a beautiful and kind person a person is!
I came to Rujina’s house on the outskirts of Grama Ekabar with my bike. I didn’t really understand why she came to this house? There shouldn’t be any work to do in this house. Rujina lives alone here. Her husband left her for the city a few days ago! She asked me to stand outside and went inside. I was sitting outside with my bike. Suddenly, I started feeling uneasy. I entered the house. It was a moonlight night and everything was blurry.
I couldn’t see Chairman Uncle. I thought he had entered the house or somewhere else? I looked around a little. Suddenly, there was a sound from Rujina’s house. I approached the house and saw that a part of the wooden window was slightly open. I could see inside through it. I saw Uncle forcing Rujina. It was the first time I had seen him do this. His appearance was unknown to me.
I wanted to come. Suddenly, my eyes fell on Rujina’s face. I clearly saw my mother’s face! My head was on fire. I kicked the old wooden door open, and I went inside. Seeing my act, the chairman quickly got up and looked at me, startled. I took out my pistol and started firing. Even after the five rounds were over, I kept pressing the trigger for a long time.
Rujina was cowering in fear for so long. After some time, she said to me, “What have you done!”
My head was on fire! I kicked the chairman with great force. He fell and hit the fence. Rujina came and grabbed me. “You run away right away.”
“I didn’t tell you to leave. Come home after a few days, and now go to Dhaka.” He refused to go. He left after being scolded by me.
I brought the chairman’s body outside. The old man doesn’t weigh much. He must be about five feet and two inches tall. He’s not too fat either. He’s much shorter than me. He would have made a living with such a small body! I took the body on my bike and threw it in our pond. Where my mother’s body had fallen one day! That day I didn’t understand much! I couldn’t feel my mother’s pain! Today I understand how much my mother had suffered by hanging herself! I realized after so long that all this happened because of a bastard!
After a long time, I entered my house. I didn’t stay in this house much. I would go out with the chairman at night and in the evenings, so I would stay at his house more. I came to my house and lay down. Today I miss my mother very much. I don’t know when I fell asleep while thinking about it.
That night, I dreamed of my mother after a long time. How beautifully my mother dressed up! She said to me, “I’ll get ready quickly, I’ll go to your father.” What a beautiful smile on my mother’s face!
“Mom, where have you been all this time? Why did you leave me alone, mom!”
“Damn! I’m stupid! I’m with you. You forgot me and met the chairman.”
“I didn’t understand, mom! I’ll fix everything now.”
“I know that, Dad. You saved me from that rascal. It wasn’t me, it was me. You saved me.”
How I felt listening to my mother! “Mom, let’s go to my father.”
Suddenly I woke up and saw that my mother was not there! I came out of the house and saw the chairman’s body floating in the pond. I went straight to the police station.
Seeing me, the OC smiled and said, “What are you doing at the police station so early in the morning! Have you done something wrong?”
I had come to the police station a few times before with the chairman. They also go to the chairman’s house sometimes. They know me very well. “Yes, sir, I killed him.”
“Don’t make trouble in the morning. Go home. He comes to the police station after drinking and drinking alcohol!”
I pulled out a chair in front of him and sat down. “I really did murder.”
“You did well. Now that I’m home, I’ll talk to the chairman later.”
“Sir, I killed the chairman.”
The OC got annoyed and said, “Well, you’ve fallen into the trap of a madman! He said with a sneer, “Who are you, give him the house.”
He said in a threatening tone, “If you don’t give him the house, I’ll tell you later that the chairman’s words won’t work.”
“Yes, I really did murder him and the body is lying in the pond at my house.” “Come and see with me.” After saying this many times, the OC and another constable came with me angrily. When they came to my house and saw the body, they became crazy! How they were looking at me! The OC asked the constable to arrange for the body to be taken away. I went to the police station with the constable.
The case went to court. I said in my statement, “I shot him in anger because he refused to give me money!”
I did not even tell my lawyer about Rujina. I did not want anyone to know about Rujina’s incident. That night, in my dreams, I kept remembering my mother’s words, “You saved me.”
Considering the political position of the chairman and the statement I gave, the court sentenced him to death. I did not want to appeal any further.
For so long, there was no news of Rujina. One day after the verdict, Rujina came to meet me. She was crying a lot and saying, “You are in this condition today because of me!” You appeal, I will testify, I will tell the truth. I will not let anything happen to you.”
The stupid girl does not know. I did all this not for her, but to save my mother. She may not know. If she were to say all this, the chairman’s relatives would not hesitate to remove her from the world. My life is already ruined! May Rujina live.
How many times has Rujina come to me to beg. I do not want to live in this world anymore. I want to go to my mother!
I think my time is up. Many footsteps are heard outside the cell. I looked up and saw the jailer entering the cell. ———
The next pages of the diary are blank. Nothing else has been written. The jailer received this diary from his cell the day after Raihan was hanged. The pages of the diary are soaked in tears!
