Neela’s dreams of living abroad do not match reality. Her dream was to come to study alone, to study, to see a new country, and to enrich herself with new experiences. But in reality, it is completely different. She cannot devote much time to her studies. It takes about two hours to go to the university by public bus, and another two hours to change buses and trains to reach home. Classes often run from eight in the morning to six in the evening. Although there is often a two-three hour break in between, she cannot even think of traveling so far to come home. In the end, she spends that time sitting in the library doing her homework and assignments. Then, when she returns home, she completely relaxes by cooking, washing clothes, cleaning the house, and doing other chores. By evening, she is completely exhausted. It can be seen that Neela is completely asleep when Nabil arrives. On the other hand, Nabil, after class, is in a good mood, wandering around with his friends to look for work, chatting, eating, and all the other bachelor-type activities.
Neela can’t compare the Nabil of today with the very emotional, very romantic Nabil that he first saw. It’s as if Neela’s presence or absence makes no difference in Nabil’s life. She remembers the immortal words from the pages of literature, ‘Learn to love, learn to give love, then you will never lack love in your life.’ Neela vaguely remembers that Thomas Fuller said this. But he gave love, so why is there a lack of love? Or is he not wearing the right size shoes? This lover didn’t have a number written on him like a shoe, so how can he know the right size? Or is it that when the person he loves comes within reach, that love no longer lasts? No, this time Neela is angry with herself. Thomas Fuller was an African slave who was sold at the age of 14, although he was later known as the ‘human calculator’ for his outstanding contribution to mathematics due to his skills and efforts, but does that mean that all the calculations of love, affection, emotions, mind, and thoughts must be at his fingertips? Or will the ship of love reach the shore according to his rules, and find stability there? No, Neela cannot accept this. Neela thinks that this time, instead of begging for Nabil’s love, she will organize her life, focus on her studies and fulfilling her dreams.
Neela cooked as usual, prepared food for Nabil, and sat at the table doing her homework while waiting. She did not realize when she had closed her eyes from exhaustion. She opened her eyes as soon as there was a sound at the door, and saw Nabil entering the house with a shaky gait. As soon as Neela approached, the foul smell made her vomit. She grabbed Nabil and took him to the bedroom. Nabil started caressing her like crazy. But somehow, somehow, the rhythm suddenly fell apart. With Nabil’s touch, kiss, and warm emotion, Neela completely forgot all her tiredness, became stronger, and as soon as she jumped on Nabil, something suddenly happened to Nabil, she gradually became completely cold. She still hadn’t settled down properly, the intoxication hadn’t worn off. But Neela was very ready to jump on Nabil’s chest. Nabil slowly pushed Neela away, started talking in a daze of intoxication, alone in his mind. As if Neela’s existence didn’t matter anymore. He wanted to tell a lot of truth today. He slowly placed his hand on Neela’s chin, gently touched her cheek with his fingers. He took Neela’s hand in his own. Slowly, he started talking. Today, he had to be able to do it!
Nabil: I have been fighting with my mind all my life about one thing.
Neela: What?
Nabil: I can’t figure out how to tell you this.
Neela: Do you love someone else?
Nabil: That’s not right, the matter is more complicated than that.
Neela: Tell me, I’m your wife!
Nabil: That’s the problem, even if it can be told to another friend, how can I tell you this!
Neela: You can say it, I think I understand what you mean, don’t worry, tell me, I will accept it. You must have someone you like, tell me, I will move out of your life.
Nabil: No, not exactly. It’s a very complicated matter. But I don’t want to hurt you anymore. I am helpless, but I want to be by your side as a friend, I want to help you, don’t get me wrong, I have nothing to do, believe me!
Neela: Tell me…
Nabil: But listen, I was actually very attracted to you because of your appearance, but I still couldn’t understand my own body and mind.
Neela: I still don’t understand what you really mean?
Then Nabil continued to say the words he had never said in his life, and Neela listened like a mute. The way Nabil said-
“Since childhood, I used to stare in amazement at beautiful girls, wanting to touch them like dolls, and I felt attracted to other boys, just as much or more. In the context of Bangladesh, the matter was becoming quite complicated day by day. I know that no matter how much I wanted to, it would not be that easy to have a relationship with any boy from the country. But at that age of 19-20, I really wanted a companion, I really wanted a romantic partner, but there was no way. Many beautiful girls wanted to be close to me, but after dating for a few days, I realized that I was not physically attracted to any of them, I just wanted to look at them upside down like a beautiful doll, you can say it out of interest, but I am sexually strongly attracted to boys. I have wronged you without my knowledge, please forgive me, Neela.” How can I fix your life now, you tell me!’
Neela remembered the first night. In their living room, the two spent it all talking about going abroad, planning, and Nabil’s life abroad. The next few days were spent with various wedding formalities, entertaining guests, shopping for going abroad, preparations, and various invitations from both sides. Even though her friends came and asked her various questions, Neela could not say anything out of embarrassment. In the end, it was Ruby who saved her from embarrassment. Ruby said that Neela and Nabil would truly live out Neela’s lifelong dream, by going abroad. What fun was there in being among so many elders here? In Neela’s circle of friends, Ruby was the first to get married and is now the mother of a child, so after her experienced analysis, no one raised any more questions. Neela also smiled and thought, the idea is not bad! Going abroad, entering her own family, and then maybe she would get Nabil as her own! Just wait a few days, what else!
After arriving in Toronto, the two of them worked hard all day to decorate the flat. Then, after a whole day of traveling, both of them would get so tired that they would fall asleep right there, whether they ate or not, while working. Nabil, however, started to get quite worried about himself day by day. He started to feel quite strongly that he was more addicted to Peter than to Neela. He wanted to shake it off from his head in many ways. But, God has made him this way! Can he change it? He promises every day that he will be close to Neela again today, but after coming closer, after a while his excited body somehow becomes dull, cold, he cannot move forward. Once Neela almost on her own went to Nabil, motioned him to get ready, everything was going well, but suddenly something happened in the middle! Nabil suddenly became cold, slowly moving away from Neela. When Neela asked in surprise, Nabil quickly said, ‘Actually, I’m very tired after a whole day’s work, I’d rather sleep today!’
Nela had just stared at him with surprised eyes that day, thinking, what kind of man is this!
Spring and Sadness
Scarborough, Canada
