I get angry over very small things. But then again, I don’t get angry over big incidents. I remain indifferent. I get angry when someone treats me unfairly or tries to deceive me. When I feel like I’m being taken advantage of, I get angry. When I see that someone is cheating me, I get angry. When I feel ignored, I get angry.
I don’t even know when my anger will flare up. It just comes suddenly. At that moment, I have no control over myself. But the good part is that I can’t hold onto my anger for long. Just as it flares up suddenly, it also disappears all of a sudden. And when the anger goes away, I get angry at myself. Why does it have to go away? Why can’t I hold onto it? This happens most often after I get angry with Jesmin. After getting angry with others, I feel really embarrassed. I tell myself, “That wasn’t right. I need to learn to control myself.” I’ve apologized many times after realizing my own mistakes. I even say sorry to kids. I don’t feel awkward at all when saying sorry.
But more than anger, I feel hurt. At this age, it probably isn’t right to have such childish feelings. I feel hurt for all sorts of reasons—some even silly. If I expect something from someone and things don’t go the way I hoped, I feel hurt. And by expectations, I don’t mean anything huge—just small things. Little things. Maybe I want to meet someone or share something with someone.
But it doesn’t happen the way I hoped. And maybe it couldn’t happen. The person I wanted to meet might be busy. But even then, I feel hurt. Why should they be busy! Maybe I want someone by my side and they’re not there. I feel hurt then too. Sometimes, just a simple sentence from someone can hurt me. There are people who can easily accept reality and don’t get emotional like this. They probably don’t even know what being emotionally hurt feels like. They can say no to your face without a second thought.
My problem is that I can’t say no to anything. I need to learn how to say no. I take everything people say very seriously. I make plans accordingly. I get influenced easily by others’ words. My decisions change because of that.
Toronto, Canada
