I get angry over very small matters. But sometimes, I don’t get angry at all, even during big incidents. I remain indifferent. I get angry when someone is unfair or tries to deceive me. When I realize I’m being cheated, I get angry. When I feel someone is betraying me, I get angry. When I feel ignored, I get angry. I don’t even know when my anger will rise; it just suddenly flares up.
I lose control over myself in those moments. However, the good thing is that I can’t hold onto my anger for long. Just as it comes suddenly, it disappears just as quickly. But when my anger subsides, I get angry with myself. Why did my anger go away? Why can’t I hold onto it? This happens a lot after getting angry with Jasmin. When I get angry with others, I feel very ashamed afterward. I tell myself that it wasn’t right. I need to learn to control myself. Realizing my mistake, I have apologized many times. I even say sorry to children. I don’t feel sorry about saying sorry at all.
However, I think I feel more hurt than angry. At this age, having such childlike emotional sensitivity doesn’t seem right. I feel hurt for various reasons, sometimes over very trivial things. When I expect something from someone, and it doesn’t happen the way I anticipated, I feel hurt. My expectations are not anything big, just small things. Little desires. Maybe I want to meet someone. I want to share something. But things don’t go as I wish. It’s understandable that it may not happen.
The person I want to meet may be busy. But my emotions don’t accept that. Why should they be busy? Maybe I want someone by my side, but they are not there when I need them—that also hurts. Even a simple word from someone can make me feel hurt. There are many people who accept reality easily; they don’t get emotionally hurt. Perhaps they don’t even know what emotional pain is. They can say “no” directly to someone.
My problem is that I can’t say “no” to anything. I need to learn how to say “no.” I take everything others say very seriously. I plan things accordingly. I am easily influenced by others. My decisions change because of what others say.
For the past few years, whenever I come to Dhaka, I stay alone. While there is joy in being alone, there is also pain. This time, for various reasons, the pain feels more intense. Since childhood, I have been used to being alone. I’m a bit of a peculiar, ghostly type. Even though there are many people around me, my loneliness never goes away. I become alone within a crowd. Even when I am surrounded by many people, I can get lost.
Even during one-on-one conversations, I get lost. I may be looking at the person attentively, but I don’t hear what they are saying. I feel hesitant to be alone with someone. Long conversations make me feel exhausted, whether I’m listening or speaking. Yet, words are everything. Life feels empty without words.
For example, I have nothing to say on the phone. If someone calls me suddenly, after exchanging a few words, I run out of things to say. What should I say after calling someone? I often fail to say even the most important things. I keep my thoughts to myself. Because of these strange habits, many things in my life don’t happen. I just stay behind, left out.
Toronto, Canada.
