I have gained so much experience since coming abroad. In the 22 years I’ve been here, I’ve learned more than I could have ever imagined back home. The more time I spend here, the more experiences I accumulate. My mind is overflowing with them. Sometimes I wonder where I’ll put all these experiences. I feel overwhelmed by them. I believe starting a consultancy would be a good way to share my knowledge. People can’t remain stagnant; they have to participate in something. And in doing so, we gain all sorts of experiences. I never thought I would end up settling in a foreign land. I never had a particular fondness for living abroad. I had no specific interest in establishing a life elsewhere. But by chance, here I am, gaining experiences. No experience is wasted; everything is valuable.
Initially, many people asked why I came abroad. I did have a reason for coming. But I know no one asks that anymore. People don’t dwell on these things. Who keeps track of who comes and who goes? It’s true that I enjoy traveling, from Las Vegas to Lesoragunj. But I never thought I would make a foreign country my home. Can I change my home again? Can I return to my shady, peaceful home in Barisal where my parents’ graves are? Can I go back and start over?
I once asked a friend who had been in this country for almost 26 years, ‘Why haven’t you gone back to your home country even once? Your parents are there, don’t you miss them?’ He replied indifferently, ‘I don’t feel like it.’ I didn’t tell him that I had been to many countries in the last 22 years. I didn’t tell him that once parents are gone, they never come back. The fact that I went home every year to sit beside my mother, even now, when the night is deep, her face floats before my eyes. My mother thinks my magic is fading. What else will she see in me? I think about how much I could have done for my mother, but I didn’t do anything. I could have been with her more, but I wasn’t. When my mother was between consciousness and unconsciousness, she once asked me, ‘Why did you go abroad? Why does anyone leave their own country?’
As a human being, I don’t know how to answer that question. I grew up in a difficult situation. It’s true that I don’t owe anyone any money. I’ve never cheated anyone. I’ve helped as much as I could without expecting anything in return. I haven’t borrowed money from anyone. I pay all my bills on time. These are just habits. Many people do it. It’s just that I sometimes hurt those who are very close to me, I’m capricious, I get angry, I remain indifferent. I know they will accept it. I haven’t intentionally harmed anyone. But I’ve made many mistakes in life. I’ve realized my mistakes and regretted them, and tried to correct them.
The reason why I came abroad is a very common explanation, almost cliché. Many people give this reason. Most people say they came abroad for their children’s education. When you say that, many people get angry. Enough of this excuse about children’s education. Now everyone comes for their own interests, not for their children! My reason for coming abroad is a bit different. If I have to talk about my children’s education, my responsibility is pretty much over. Both my son and daughter have finished their studies at the University of Toronto and are now working. They have started their own families. They are not with me anymore. I’m alone again. They both started their own families. I was never worried about their studies.
I have never wanted to compromise with injustice. I am a bit stubborn, headstrong! My stubbornness has prevented me from getting many things. I have suffered a lot by protesting against injustice. I have quit my jobs several times while living in my country. I hate jobs. But jobs are my only support. I don’t have the ability to do anything else. Some people are born like me. People who can’t get their lives together properly. People whose time passes by while they keep dreaming. I am a dreamer. I live because of my dreams. My dreams keep flying around…
Toronto, Canada
