Actually I couldn’t settle down anywhere. That’s because of my restless nature. I still don’t know what I want, where is the relief, where is the happiness. I could not even calculate the happiness and sadness. Sometimes it seems that this little life, that I am alive is happiness, and later I think where is the happiness! There is no happiness anywhere. I don’t understand anything. The association of happiness and sadness is very confusing. Can’t match anything. Once I left Barisal voluntarily. It seemed that the life of Barisal was not my life. Leave Barisal.
But I did not know where to leave Barisal, to whom to go, why to go. I left Barisal one day without knowing the consequences. Since I have no ambitions, no goals for myself, I can do anything. I left myself in the hands of nature. After Barisal I spent a long time in Dhaka. The family is made. Everything happened automatically. Destiny has driven me. As if an invisible force is moving the hammer. That power has given danger and freed from danger. A lot of things happened beyond our expectations and wishes. Many miracles happen in life. So is my life.
If a building is not built solidly, its lifespan is short lived. Good rod, cement is to be given, only then the building is strong. In fact, Chhan’s house fell down and was blown away by the storm. Palka can’t stand anything. If you are not talented, if you don’t have material intelligence, if you can’t control your emotions, people can’t be successful, they fall into storms, they fall. All this was supposed to happen to me. It was supposed to be stormy. It was supposed to fall. I couldn’t pull myself together. I could never make myself.
Whole life is like a premature baby. People cannot organize everything themselves. I am a very sensitive person. emotional person These are my problems. Man cannot change his nature. me neither Can’t think deeply about anything. Reality trumps emotion. For the slightest reason, I become reckless, I break down. I feel broken. It seems like an inhabitant of a broken pile. Everything I do – living, family, children, friendship, kinship, writing – nothing seems to apply to me. I’m just not part of anything. It seems that I am a miraculous person above anger, sadness, delusion, pride, love, and jealousy.
It seems that there are so many arrangements around people, I am not a part of it. This world is competitive, fighting, occupying, murdering. It would be better if you could keep yourself away from murder, exaggeration about religion, competition, jealousy, hatred, misunderstanding, striving for success. It is better to live in peace for the remaining few days. These fickle thoughts of the mind did not allow me to settle down anywhere. never give One day I left Dhaka city and came to Canada. No risk came to mind. My life is divided into three equal parts. Barisal-Dhaka-Toronto.
I feel excited in the city of Toronto for a long time. I couldn’t really settle here either. How many come to mind. Anytime you have to leave everything and go somewhere unknown. I have prepared that. Shroud cloth has been purchased. I am like that. Nothing seems inevitable in the world. I love people because I am emotional, I embrace them, I think they are my own. I make myself available. There is no such thing as privacy. There is nothing to hide. I have nothing to lose. Those whom I wanted to adopt did not remain for some impenetrable reason. And those who I didn’t think of as my own have become my own. Nothing can penetrate this mystery. I don’t know if the city of Toronto can finally hold me back. There will be a furious flight one day.
Toronto November 17, 2023
