I’ve gained a lot of experience since coming abroad. In 22 years here, I’ve learned more than I could have in a lifetime back home. The longer I stay, the more experiences I accumulate. My bag of experiences is overflowing. Sometimes I wonder where to put all this knowledge. I feel weighed down by it all. I believe opening a consultancy would be a good way to utilize this experience. I could share it with others. People can’t remain indifferent. They need to participate in something, and in doing so, they gain all sorts of experiences. I never imagined I would one day be living abroad. I’ve never had a particular fondness for foreign countries. I had no specific interest in settling elsewhere. But by chance, I find myself here now, gaining experience. No experience is wasted; everything is valuable…
Initially, many people wanted to know why I came abroad. There was a reason for my coming, I know. But I don’t think anyone cares about it anymore. Who keeps track of how many people come and go? It’s true that I love traveling. I’ve been everywhere from Las Vegas to Lesoragunj. But I never thought that a foreign land would be my permanent address. Can I change my address again? Can I return to that shady, secluded Barisal home where my mother and father are buried? Can I go back? Can I start everything from scratch again?
One day I asked a friend who had been in this country for almost twenty-six years, ‘You haven’t gone back to your homeland even once. Why not? Your parents are still there. Don’t you miss them?’ He replied indifferently, ‘I don’t feel like going.’ I didn’t tell him that I’ve been traveling around the world for the past twenty-two years. I didn’t tell him that once parents are gone, they’re never coming back. Whoever leaves, never returns. Every year I’ve gone home to sit beside my mother, and even now, deep into the night, her face floats before my eyes. Mother thinks my magic is fading. What more will she see in me? I think about all the things I could have done for her, but I did nothing. I could have spent more time with her, but I didn’t. When she was between consciousness and unconsciousness, she once asked me, ‘Why did you go abroad? Why does anyone leave their own country?
It’s incredibly difficult to answer the question of who I am as a person. I’ve grown up in difficult circumstances. It’s true that I haven’t been involved in any financial disputes with anyone. I’ve never cheated anyone. I’ve always helped others to the best of my ability, never expecting anything in return. I’ve never borrowed money from anyone. I pay all my bills on time. These are simply habits. Many people do the same. However, I sometimes hurt those closest to me, act impulsively, get angry, or remain indifferent. I know they’ll accept it. I’ve never intentionally harmed anyone. But I’ve made many mistakes in life. I’ve regretted these mistakes and tried to correct them.
The reason for coming abroad is a very common and cliche explanation. Many people give this reason. Most people say they came abroad for their children’s education. When you say this, many people get irritated. Enough of this excuse of children’s education. People come here for their own benefit now, not for their children! My reason for coming abroad is a bit different. If I have to talk about my children’s education, my responsibility is pretty much over. Both my son and daughter have finished their studies at the University of Toronto and are working. They’ve started their own families. They are living their own lives. They are not by my side anymore. I feel alone again. Both of them have started their families. It’s just the two of us again. I was never worried about their studies.
I’ve never wanted to compromise with injustice. I’m a bit stubborn, headstrong! My stubbornness has prevented me from getting many things. I’ve suffered a lot for protesting against injustice. While living in my country, I’ve quit several jobs. I despise jobs. But jobs are my only support. I don’t have the ability to do anything else. Some people are born like me. They can’t seem to get their lives together. Time slips away as they keep dreaming. I’m a dreamer. I live for my dreams. My dreams are constantly fluttering.
Toronto, Canada
