Sometimes life seems like a maze. Just wandering around. I am fixed in one place while moving around. I can’t get out of the puzzle, I can’t run. I do not understand where the barrier is. But I never wanted such a life. I need a vacation.
I don’t understand how it is a holiday. I want freedom. I don’t know what liberation is. My life is not what I think. The opposite of my thoughts is my life. I still work during the week. Work is religion, work is the way to stay active, work gives financial freedom.
I don’t know any other way to survive except work. If it doesn’t work I have to sit on the Farmgate overbridge with a bowl. I know no one will do anything to me. I have to do everything. I will not ask for anything from anyone. Never touched anyone. I have no freedom from the meaningless life called samsara. Some pointless matter is sitting on me like a rock.
I cannot move this stone. So I will never be freed. Death or exile is the only way out. I am not a blind person. Sensitive people. Vitu people. Nonviolent people. My weakness is not being able to hurt others. But others hurt me without hesitation, ignoring me.
It all falls on those who are more responsible. This is the rule of the world. Everyone takes chances. Everyone is very cunning, selfish and greedy. I am a stupid person. Cruelty, greed, selfishness I cannot show. It doesn’t come to me.
So my release will not be easy. I am tired, weary, broken from the struggle of life. There is no sense of gratitude in family or society. All I get are complaints. There is no end to complaints against me. Wife’s complaint, relatives’ complaints, friends’ complaints.
I can’t ignore many things. That’s my big problem. I can’t say anything that will hurt anyone. I live with my own pain. But can’t hurt others. There is no place for compassion in the world. There is no room for gratitude.
Life is like a beast of burden. I am creative person. Writing is my work, but the struggle of life becomes bigger than creativity, life becomes bigger. Liberation from this life is the only way. But where the release is not known.
Toronto, Canada
